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One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Randomize
