he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
