His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
