My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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