I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
