The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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