And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
