There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
