I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
