Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
