found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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