if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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