cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
