So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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