There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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