If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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