I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
