I accidentally had phone sex last night
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I have already put on my inside pants.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
