I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sext me about skeletons
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
