I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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