non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
