I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
