I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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