Im at strip club and am horny
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
