Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
