my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
