Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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