Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
