So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
