I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
