Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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