either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
