Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
