I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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