I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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