The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
