I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
