so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
