Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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