Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
