Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
