I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
