im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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