He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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