I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The beers last night were like the tears from god
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dicks are not precious.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
