I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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