Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
