When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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