Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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