??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
