Can i not drive my cunt home
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
