My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
