why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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