This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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